Monday, September 7, 2009

All Bets are Off!

The NFL is back and this season is shaping up to be one of the craziest ever. I mean bat-shit, who took the medication away from the emo chick and got her drunk, kind of crazy.

The season has not even started yet and we have seen:

Franchised QBs talk themselves out of town,
Offensive coordinators get fired for losing practice games
Head coaches breaking assistant’s faces
Receivers becoming kickers
Dog fighters becoming Quarterbacks
Linebackers becoming assaulters
Retirees becoming starters
The guy who made the greatest catch in Super Bowl history becoming unemployed

All this and we haven’t had our first blown instant replay call of the regular season.

I am literally scared about what the season could bring. I might have to watch every Sunday with the lights on and a blanket wrapped around me. I plan on watch the Saw film anthology just to get me to relax after a weekend of games.

Clouded by this uncertainty, I will persevere and make my annual bold predictions for the season. While in past years, I urged people to bet their mortgage on my picks, this year I am not making such a claim. Really, who has a mortgage any more?

Last year, I correctly predicted that the Steelers would win the Super Bowl. This year, I can’t even guarantee there will be a Super Bowl. At the rate players are getting suspended, teams may not have enough to field a team.

There is no safer bet than the San Diego Chargers winning their division. There is also no safer bet than they will lose a winnable playoff game by blowing a 4th quarter lead.

Bill Belichick will check himself into rehab for a gambling addiction. There is no other explanation for him cutting every experienced back up QB on his roster. Cutting his experienced backups even after watching Haynesworth crush Brady is like doubling down on 20 in blackjack.

The Lions will have more wins than last year. There, I said it. Who’s joining me out here on the limb?

The Ravens will win less games than they did last year. Joe Flacco meets the sophomore slump. Plus Rex Ryan leaving is going to take some sharpness from that defense. Speaking of sharpness, Ray Ray put down that knife. I promise I didn’t mean any of this prediction.

Brett Favre will make 5 unbelievably great “I can’t believe what I just saw” plays this season.

Brett Favre will make 15 unbelievably terrible “What the hell was he thinking” plays this season.

(These two predictions are verbatim from last year. I stand by them again this year.)

After being arrested for assault, Tom Cable will immediately be given a contract extension by the Raiders.

Michael Vick will throw for as many TD passes this year and Scooby Doo.

Jeff Garcia will finally find a team that will let him start…in the UFL.

Tony Dungy will take on the case of rehabilitating Bernie Madoff, Gov. Mark Sanford, and Tom Sizemore.

I will witness a grown man wearing a Jets’ jersey cry like a baby because he lost his 5 team teaser when the Cardinals take a knee instead of going for the cover.

The NFL Network will launch a second channel dedicated to airing Peyton and Eli Manning commercials 24 hours a day.

No team whose mascot name starts with the letter B will make the playoffs.

These teams that will make the playoffs are:
Patriots, Steelers, Chargers, Colts, Titans and Jaguars
Giants, Packers, Seahawks, Eagles, Vikings and Saints

The teams that will play in the Super Bowl are:
Patriots and Packers

The Pats will get their revenge from Super Bowl XXXI

Are you ready for some football?

No comments: