Friday, September 11, 2009

Week One- What's Old is Old Again

Special treat this week. I had the great fortune of contacting Oakland Raiders’ owner and puppet master Al Davis. In a very candid interview, he has provided me with his predictions for this week’s game. I will of course adopt all his suggestions as my own because if Al Davis knows one thing, it’s how to pick real “winners” in football.

Editor’s Note: We did not actually interview the person of Al Davis but rather his spirit. We channeled him in a sĂ©ance involving wearing a silver and black sweat suit, large rim glasses with a chain hanging on them and greasing our hair back with motor oil.

Al’s picks are in bold.

Dolphins +4 at Falcons
“I really like what Shula has done with that team. Great running game. Warfield gives them a vertical attack. I love vertical attacks. I also love verticals. Would you like to see what I’ve done with my sliding glass door?”

Chiefs + 12.5 at Ravens
“I don’t like birds. Never have. I drafted a pigeon in the late 70s to replace Dave Casper. Rozelle, that bastard, annulled the pick. He probably saved me because I think pigeons are soft going across the middle.”

Eagles -1 at Panthers
“I love birds. Always have. I drafted a crow in the late 70s to replace Dave Casper. Rozelle, that bastard, annulled the pick. He probably would have led us to 3 more Super Bowls with the way he could flap and caw. ”

Broncos +4 at Bengals
“In 1982, I ordered Flores to replace the entire secondary with Sherpas when we played at Denver. They handled the altitude like champs. Unfortunately, the fact they had never played a down of football hurt their coverage skills.”

Vikings -4 at Browns
“I always wanted Tarkenton to play for us. With his scrambling, I would have used only 3 offensive linemen and sent 7 receivers out. It’s all about the vertical game. Verticals, baby! Have you seen my sliding glass door?”

Jets at Texans -4.5
“I’ve never head of the Texans. Are they in the WFL?”

Jaguars at Colts -7
“Baltimore is a great city. Love those crab cakes. And that town sure loves them Colts. I can’t imagine that city without them.”

Lions at Saints -13
“Pssst. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Pope John Paul II called me two days before he died to say I was up for sainthood. Yeah. Saint Al. All I had to do was one more miracle. I’m thinking about walking across San Francisco Bay, and then relocating the team to Alcatraz. If only I can get them to build me a stadium.”

Cowboys – 5.5 at Buccaneers
“Damn Jon Gruden. I swear to god, if I ever get my hands on him, I’ll rip out his heart. You hear me Jon! What’s that? They fired him? He’s available to hire? I’ve got a phone call to make.”

49ers +6.5 at Cardinals
“I don’t like birds. Never have. I interviewed a parakeet in the late 70s to replace John Madden. Almost hired him, but something about those beady little eyes told me not to trust him. Plus he pooped in my office. Just like Lane Kiffen did.”

Redskins +6.5 at Giants
“I find Washington’s mascot to be very offensive. I am a fair skinned gentleman and when I spend an afternoon watching my Raiders, the few parts of my skin not covered by the sweat suit turn a light shade of red. So as a Redskin, I demand they change the name or they must forfeit to us a draft pick. I will then trade that pick to the Giants to get the rights to Lawrence Taylor.”

Rams at Seahawks -8
“In my book, Merlin Olsen is the greatest American born actor of the 20th century. With Bubba Smith a very close second.”

Bears at Packers -3.5
“I remember being at the very first Bears/Packers game. I don’t remember what I had for breakfast, but I do remember that game.”

Bills at Patriots -10.5
“Ever since Bob Craft came up with those compromising photos of me with Adrienne Barbeau and Herve Villechaize, I’ve had to do some terrible things. Seriously, is there any other explanation for me to trade Randy Moss for a 4th round pick and trade a 1st round pick for Richard Seymour.”

Chargers -9.5 at Raiders
The Raiders are a team of excellence. With me as their leader, we are dedicated to winning and championships. Everything I do is toward that end. Oh, I see the sun is coming up. I’ve got to get to bed. I hate being awake during the day because I keep getting these calls from Tom Cable about what to do. Doesn’t he get the notes I send by carrier pigeon. By the way, did I ever tell you how much I love birds?

So far this season 0-1

1 comment:

funnykeithlyle said...

Look like Ol' Uncle AL had a pretty good week. Doesn't matter- He can afford it.