Friday, September 18, 2009

Week 2- Inside Info

It worked out so well last week with Al Davis, I decided to continue seeking outside help with my picks for the week. Instead of limiting myself to the genius of one person, I sought 16 different people I believe have inside information on each of this week’s games. I am confident this will improve my 9-7 mark from last weekend.

The picks are in bold.

Texans at Titans -6.5
Texans QB Matt Schaub: “I am not "injury prone." That's just bull. Oh god, I just blinked and dislocated by eye ball.”

Patriots -3.5 at Jets
Jet head coach Rex Ryan “We are not intimidated by the Patriots. We are not concerned about how good they are or how they have beaten us 8 times in a row at home. We don’t give a second look to their physically fit bodies. Nor the way the sweat glistens off their muscles. Nor the boyish good looks of their QB. No sir. We will not be intimidated. Have they asked about us?”

Raiders at Chiefs -3
Raiders’ former assistant Randy Hanson:
“Mmmmm. Urgggg, mmmmm (takes sip of pureed lunch through straw) mmmm, grrrr. mm, mmmmmm.”

Bengals at Packers -9
Bengals coach Marvin Lewis: “The way our luck is running it is as if the entire team is dating Jessica Simpson. What? She’s not dating Romo anymore? I’ve got to call a team meeting.”

Vikings -9.5 at Lions
Vikings RB Adrian Peterson: “I love Brett Favre, but if he starts throwing INTs again, I’ll slap him like he was a DB.”

Saints at Eagles PK
Eagles QB Donovan McNabb: “No. I don’t feel threatened by them bringing in Garcia. No, Vick being activated early didn’t bother. I’m not one to feel threatened by any one. I am very confident. Why are you looking at me like that? Is it my hair? You don’t like this shirt? I’ll change it if you like.”

Panthers +6.5 at Falcons
Panthers QB Jake Delhomme: “In the same way the Mario Mendoza created The Mendoza Line, I have created a new term – The Delhomme Bottom to replace rock bottom.”

Rams at Redskins -10
Redskins’ owner Daniel Snyder: “Since really the Rams are just spectators for this game, can I get away with charging them admission?”

Cardinals at Jaguars -3
Cardinals Safety Adrian Wilson: “I can’t believe they were booing us last week. For 60 years, this team won nothing. I know. I feel like I’ve been here for all of those years. We finally get to a Super Bowl and nearly won it and they got the balls to boo us. Screw them. I got no problem going back to sucking. We’ve had plenty of practice.”

Seahawks +1.5 at 49ers
49ers Head coach Mike Singletary: “Since I dropped my pants last year, we have a winning record. I hate to brag, but I have the most inspirational ass since Betty Grable.”

Bucs +4.5 at Bills
Bills kick returner Leodis McKelvin: “If I had a chance, I’d do it the same way again. Seriously, I would take the ball out of the end zone and proceed to fumble it away. Look, I’ve gotten more notoriety in the last 5 days than in my entire life. My PR advisor, TO, told me any press is good press. He can't be wrong.”

Browns at Broncos -3
Broncos WR Brandon Stokley: “Even if I catch a ball in the first quarter, I am going to try to run out the clock. Seriously, for the fans’ sake, I want to cut as much time as possible out of this game.”

Ravens at Chargers -3
Charger Running Back Ladianian Tomlinson: “Why yes, it is my goal to destroy as many fantasy football teams as possible. I’m in a battle with Carson Palmer.”

Steelers -3 at Bears
Bears QB Jay Cutler: “Yeah, well the economy sucks, but I’m not worried. There’s another 16 decades left in this country and we’ll bounce back. Industry just needs to get on the same page. I’m not concerned about getting into any more sub-prime mortgages or anything.”

Giants +2.5 at Cowboys
Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones: “That is categorically untrue. The size of my new stadium is not over compensating for any physical shortcomings.”

Colts -3 at Dolphins
Colts QB Peyton Manning: “That’s a good question. Let me think about that… Crack. I’d have to say crack is the only thing I can think that I would not do a commercial for. Wait, if they got my brother and father to be in the spot, maybe.”

Last week 9-7
Season: 9-7

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