Friday, October 2, 2009

Lifetime Television Meets Football

For the month of October, the NFL is taking the very admirable step of recognizing Breast Cancer Awareness month. Goals posts, players’ shoes, towels, etc will be colored pink to recognize the ongoing fight against this terrible disease.

This special attention may end up drawing more of a certain small subsection of our society that is currently under represented in the football viewing pool. This group is called WOMEN.

For women new to watching the gridiron glory, we at Blame the Mascot have come up with some helpful guides to explain some of the finer aspects of the game.

Illegal contact. You know when a woman is on the dance floor and it’s okay for a guy to put his hands on her hips and grind a little close, but when they leave for the obligatory drink he owes her, he has to keep his hands off. Well, the first five yards are the dancing, and after five yards is the drink.

Pass Interference. This is when the above woman has finished the drink he owed her for dancing with him and he is still groping her.

First Down. It’s like when a woman goes on a diet and loses 10 lbs. She feels such a sense of accomplishment that she binge eats and then starts the diet all over. After going ten yards, the team purges and starts another ten-yard diet.

Head Butts. You know when a woman tells another woman something great and they scream in a high-pitched voice that actually gets a response from canines within a 5 mile radius. Guys can’t reach that note so we bash each other’s head to equate that ringing in our ears.

Play Action Pass. You think the play is one thing but it turns out to be another. It’s like when a woman begins an argument with her husband about him always leaving dirty dishes in the sink and all of a sudden she turns into a fight about how he hates her mother.

The Red Challenge Flag. It’s like when a girlfriend wears an outfit that she thought looked good when she put it on in the morning, but now that you see her in the light of day, you realize that those lavender shoes do not go with the plum dress. The red flag is like taking her to a mirror so she can have another look.

Roughing the kicker. Similar to when women forbid their boyfriends from going within 50 yards of the sorority little sister they once hooked up with after an especially raucous game of beer bong. The kicker is that sorority sister.

Zone Defense vs. Man to Man Defense. When men go shopping, they know exactly what they want to buy and go directly for it. That’s like man to man defense. When women shop, they cover an entire floor of Macy’s, picking up anything and everything that catches their eye. That’s zone defense.

Illegal Block in the Back. Remember last night when your boyfriend wanted to try something “different” and you wanted no part of it.

Brett Favre. When a woman gets a divorce and tells her ex that he can date anyone he wants just not her sister. Then he dates her sister. Brett is that ex.

With these viewing tips, I am sure more women will tune into football this weekend with a greater understanding of the game. And within 15 minutes, change the channel to a Sex and the City marathon on TBS.

Here are the picks for this week. With my wife’s help, I moved up to 8-8 last week. This week I am diving into the deep end without a lifeguard. Swim with me at your own peril.

My picks are in bold.

Raiders at Texans -9.5
Titans -3 at Jaguars
Ravens at Patriots -2
Bengals at Browns +5.5
Giants -8.5 at Chiefs
Lions +10 at Bears
Bucs at Redskins -7
Seahawks at Colts -9.5
Jets at Saints -6.5
Bills at Dolphins +2
Rams at 49ers -9.5
Cowboys -3 at Broncos
Chargers +6.5 at Steelers
Packers at Vikings -3.5

Last week picks 8-8
Season: 21-27

Excerpts from this article orginally appeared in The Bachelor Guy

1 comment:

The Editor said...

Flea Flicker - when a woman "likes" a guy, but not "likes likes" a guy so she passes him off to a friend... who also just "likes" him so she passes him off to another friend...