Thursday, December 28, 2006

Goodbye to 2006 and Week 17 Picks

As we come to the end of 2006, I just have one thing to say, “Good-Bye! You don’t have to go home, but you got to get the hell out of here!”

I never liked you 2006. You were annoying, conceited, prickly and an overall pain in my sphincter.

You rewarded jerks like Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds with new contracts and Bobby Knight with the all time wins record.

You laughed your ass off as we had to witness the worst officiated Super Bowl in history.

I bet you thought you were being cute when you had us endure a World Series in which pitchers (the very position that require throwing the ball straight) couldn’t throw the ball to first base. Mind you, these are men who are paid for their ability TO THROW THE BALL.

You teased us with the return of hockey but then you forgot to give us back a little thing called “checking”. We might as well have Michelle Kwan on a line with Nancy Kerrigan and the “Enforcer” Brian Boitano. (However, Tonya Harding in this league would bring back the “goon” factor).

You made the NBA clean up its players’ appearance. Thanks for nothing. Now where are the suburban white kids supposed to go for the latest in hip-hop fashion advice? You are denying an entire generation the joy of wearing purple suits and belt buckles around their knees.

And most of all, 2006, you are the most ungrateful, unpatriotic year I have ever known (including 1979). Look how you treated America, the country that has given you so much. In every major international competition, you allowed the rest of the world to slap us and call us “Susan”. The United States got its collective lunch served to them in the following sports: baseball, basketball, hockey, golf, tennis, soccer, curling, and counter insurgent urban warfare. Worse of all, no American currently holds a major heavyweight boxing title. Ali is spinning in his grave!

The only sports Uncle Sam dominated was snowboarding (which we invented just so we can win gold medals) and football (which no one else plays).

This year, I am not going to assume 2006’s replacement will know what to do. I have come up with five things I would like to see before I have to go to my next lame, company sponsored, holiday party.

Barry Bonds gets to 754 home runs and the next day his indictment for tax evasion comes down.

Terrell Owens signs an incentive laden contract with the Toronto Argonauts.

A 16 seed gets to the Final Four, thus allowing Alice, the cat loving, cardigan wearing secretary who once took a sewing class at Hampton to take down the office pool.

The Montreal Canadiens face the Detroit Red Wings in the Stanley Cup finals, and, in a nod to the original six, they play without helmets, facemasks, and false teeth.

The Chicago Cubs get to the World Series, only to lose in heartbreaking fashion in Game 7. Watching the Cubs is like watching a car chase on TV. You say you don’t want it to end bad, but deep inside, in a place you won’t admit to, you are begging for that crash.

So as 2006 flees town, I am sitting at the Greyhound station in North Hollywood, eagerly waiting for 2007 to arrive. Oh, and here he comes now. Or is that a she? Oh god, I think 2007 is that tranny with the sequin pumps that just got off the bus from Seattle!

I can’t wait for 2008.

As for those pesky football picks, I have been the ultimate C student this year. I’m the classmate everyone likes because I don’t screw up the grading curve for everyone else. Last week I went 8-8 and 2-3 on my star picks, so for the year I am 114-111-6 and 33-34-1 on my star picks. I’ve got one last chance to make my final record look good for all those tout services looking for new prospects next season.

With each pick, here are my New Years wishes for each team

NY Giants –2.5 at Washington: For the Giants, a weekly appointment with Dr. Melfi after Tony sees her. For the Redskins, more hefty signing bonuses for free agents who had one good year.

Buffalo +9.5 at Baltimore: For the Bills, relocation to L.A. For the Ravens, just don’t make Ray Lewis mad, especially near sharp objects

Green Bay at Chicago –3: For the Packers, a strong heart as they wait for the annual Favre decision. For the Bears, Brian Greise keeping warmed up on the sidelines.

*Pittsburgh +6 at Cincinnati: For the Steelers, an oxygenated plastic bubble to keep Ben in for the off-season. For the Bengals, bail money. Plenty of bail money.

Detroit +13 at Dallas: For the Lions, another year of Matt Millen just to see how he can screw things up this time. For the Cowboys, post traumatic stress counseling after Terrell cleans out his locker.

Cleveland +4 at Houston: For the Browns, a team with as much heart as their fans. For the Texans, a time machine to take them back to draft day 2006.

Miami +8.5 at Indianapolis: For the Dolphins, a QB with lateral movement and accuracy past the line of scrimmage. For the Colts, a run defense that is slightly stiffer than balsa wood.

*Jacksonville at Kansas City –2.5: For the Jaguars, one victory outside the state of Florida. For the Chiefs, move out of the division with the Broncos and Chargers.

*St. Louis +2 at Minnesota: For the Rams, Marc Bulger questions the hearts of his teammates a little sooner. For the Vikings, a thicker skin for coach Brad Childress.

Carolina at New Orleans +3: For the Panthers, that no one picks them to win the Super Bowl. For the Saints, a contract extension for the voodoo princess they hired for player personnel and spiritual oversight.

Oakland +11 at NY Jets: For the Raiders, Al Davis gets sent to a cozy studio at the Stoneybrook assisted living facility. For the Jets, moving a few steps out of the shadow of the Giants.

*Atlanta at Philadelphia –7.5: For the Falcons, the University of Washington seeking a new coach. For the Eagles, Donovan McNabb to get hurt a little bit earlier in the season so they have a shot at home field advantage.

Seattle +3 at Tampa Bay: For the Seahawks, receivers with functional use of their hands. For the Buccaneers, keep reminding their fans “Hey, only four years ago we won the Super Bowl, what else do you want?”

*New England at Tennessee –3: For the Patriots, Bill Belichick getting caught in the act in an episode of “Cheaters”. For the Titans, hold on to “Yoda” Norm Chow for one more year so he can complete the “Young” Jedi training.

San Francisco +10.5 at Denver: For the Niners, a couple of bounces the right way so they can play next January. For the Broncos, good sportsmanship training for their offensive line.

Arizona +13.5 at San Diego: For the Cardinals, an offense that plays like the Colts instead of just looking like them. For the Chargers, better masking agents for their players to take.

Happy New Year!


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