Friday, November 21, 2008

Week 12- Little Known Rules

Donovan McNabb did not know that a regular season game could end in a tie. So what? He is only getting paid millions of dollars to play the game, why should he be expected to know all the “rules.” The CEOs of the nation’s automakers, banks, insurance companies, and investment companies get paid more than McNabb and know even less about the rules of their respective sports.

Not knowing the overtime rules is a minor infraction that may only cost the Eagles a playoff spot. But there some other rules of football that most players and fan have no idea are on the books. Here are some little known rules that will be applied during this week’s games.

My picks are in bold.

Texans +3 at Browns- Turnover Mercy Rule- After Sage Rosenfels turns the ball over for the 7th time, a member of the training staff will come out and break his leg.

Bills -3 at Chiefs- Can You Hear Me Now Rule- Herm Edwards headset will be turned off for the last 2 minutes of each half so he cannot make any of his brilliant game deciding decisions.

Jets at Titans -5.5- Ron Jeremy Rule- Jeff Fisher is prohibited by NFL bylaw from ever shaving that moustache and hairdo straight out of a 1970’s porno.

Patriots +2.5 at Dolphins- The Mower Rule- To offset the infamous Snow Plow game, the Dolphins will be allowing to send an ex-con on a mower to clear a patch of grass as they line up for a game winning field goal.

49ers +11 at Cowboys – The Soft Light Rule- The NFL has directed FOX Sports to only shoot video of Jerry Jones in a soft, Barbara Walters-like, fashion. This isn’t for his vanity but for the safety of our children.

Bucs -8.5 at Lions- The Thanksgiving Day Ratings Rule- The refs have been instructed to doing everything possible to keep the Lions winless going into their Turkey Day game. A one-win team will get no ratings, but people love to watch a train wreck after enduring the train wreck that was their family gathering.

Eagles at Ravens -1- The Rulebook Rule- Instead of having the plays wrapped around his forearm, McNabb will be allow to wear a set of the NFL rulebook. Also, he’ll wear Robert’s Rules of Order so he can run his huddle in an orderly fashion.

Bears -7.5 at Rams- The French Rule- The entire Rams team will be given honorary French citizenship for exemplifying the greatest attribute of the French people - the ability to surrender.

Vikings at Jaguars -2- Interpersonal Skills Rules- Jack Del Rio and Brad Childress will conduct a halftime seminar on how to get employees to respect and like their boss.

Panthers at Falcons -1- The Prison Rule- After this year, each team will be allowed to send one of their players to prison who is crippling the team’s ability to win and crippling their salary cap.

Raiders at Broncos -9.5The Dr. Kevorkian Rule- After the Broncos beat the Raiders 50-0, Mike Shanahan will be allowed to go to the owner’s box and unplug Al Davis.

Redskins -3.5 at Seahawks- The Fan Involvement Rule- The Seahawks will be allowed to conduct a “Wide Receiver for a Day” contest in which a lucky seat number will be drawn and that fan will get to start at WR. Last game, it was 78-year-old Gladys Harrington of Tacoma who had 6 catches for 83 yards but sat out the 4th quarter with a case of gout.

Giants -3 at Cardinals- The AARP Rule- Any team whose starting QB qualifies for AARP membership (see Cardinals, Arizona) gets the senior discount at every participating Denny’s in the country.

Colts at Chargers -2.5The Commercial Rule- To help the league during this economic times, Peyton Manning will be allow to shill for sponsors from the sidelines, inside the huddle and during live play.

Packers at Saints -2.5- Tony Kornheiser Rule- (previously the Dennis Miller Rule) If you’ve never played the game, coached the game, refereed a game or been the water boy during a game, you are not allowed to provide commentary for a nationally televised game. (currently pending in Rules Committee)

Already This Week 1-0
Last Week 6-10
Season 82-74-4

Real "Don't Need No Rulebook" Picks
Patriots +2.5 over Dolphins
Giants -3 over Cardinals

Last week 2-1
Season 19-20-3

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