Saturday, November 21, 2009

Week 11- He is Always Right!

Bill Belichick was right. Everyone is giving him a hard time about his decision to go for it on 4th and 2 on his own 28 yard line. But I say Belichick was absolutely right to go for it. So what if they ended up blowing a 17-point 4th quarter lead. I know it was the right decision because Bill Belichick is a “genius.” Ever since he led that first Pats team to a Super Bowl victory, everyone on TV has been telling me he was a genius, so he must be a genius because people on TV know what they are talking about. Heck, they are geniuses too.

Only a genius could have taken that Pats team to the Super Bowl, using to their advantage one of the top five worse officiating calls in playoff history (what the tuck is a tuck rule?) Only a genius could get away with video tapping the other team’s signals and using those signals against that team. Not only did he get away with it without a suspension, but he got the NFL to BURN THE EVIDENCE! Seriously, if that is not genius, then Greta Van Susteren is not hot.

I believe in Bill Belichick’s genius so much, I recently reached out to him to ask him his advice on several other pressing personal matters. While Bill did not speak to me directly (geniuses lack in social skills that is why they are geniuses), I received all these answers via a sheet of paper wrapped around a large rock.

I am thinking about quitting my job without having another one lined up. What do you think?
The stats say there are few job in the market. Screw the stats. Quit your job. I know that if you quit, you can’t get unemployment, but what’s the worst that can happen? You can’t find a job, lose your home, live on the street and become a crack addict. Is that so bad?

My 10th wedding anniversary is coming up. What gift should I get my wife that she will really love?
As you can tell, I am a very much in tune with my sensitive, emotional side. I know what the ladies love. Buy her a lovely iron and ironing board set. Or perhaps pot holders and matching cookware. A wild card gift I have found to be effective is bring home another woman for a “special night.”

Stocks, bonds, gold or real estate. What should I invest in?
None of the above. Invest in newspapers. They are the wave of the future. People will never stop relying on those ink stained sheets of paper as their main source of information for news, weather and sports.

A co-worker of mine always gets the jump on me at work. He presents better, more profitable ideas to the CEO. What should I do?
I am NOT saying I ever tried this, but have you considered secretly videotaping him. You can see what he is working on and prepare to either copy it or do it better. You can then present to your boss before he get a chance. It will guarantee you a Super Bowl win, I mean a promotion.

My doctor says I should lose 20 pounds and advises I exercise and follow a sensible diet. Should I listen to him?
If you want to be labeled a “conventional person,” then sure listen to the quack. But as someone who has built a reputation out of being unconventional (and admired for it), I suggest taking the binging and purging approach along with wrapping yourself in plastic and sitting in a sauna. Guaranteed to lose the 20 pounds in no time…along with your teeth.

Who is going to win the Dolphins/Panthers game on Thursday?
The Panthers are by far the better team. The Dolphins are decimated with injuries. There is no way they will win. I suggest betting what’s left of your 401k on it.

Thanks Coach Belichick for this sage advice. I am sure listening to you will turn out as great as that call on Sunday night. Since he can do no wrong, this week’s picks are also brought to you by the coach. The picks are in bold.

Browns at Lions -3.5
Bills at Jaguars -8.5
Steelers at Chiefs +10
Colts -1.5 at Ravens
Falcons at Giants -6.5
49ers +6.5 at Packers
Seahawks at Vikings -11
Redskins +11 at Cowboys
Saints -11.5 at Bucs
Cardinals -8.5 at Rams
Jets at Patriots -10
Bengals at Raiders +9.5
Chargers -3 at Broncos
Eagles -3 at Bears
Titans +5 at Texans

Thursday 0-1
Last Week: 7-7-1
Season: 73-70-2

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