Sunday, October 17, 2010

Week 6- The .00001% Chance

Modern technology
Testosterone Based Thinking
Uncomfortable Talking Points for ESPN’s SportsCenter

In the past year or so, it seems we have a growing epidemic on our hands of male athletes and the inappropriate use of modern communication device. (Bonus game- count the number of double entendres in that sentence.)

People have expressed dismay at the boorish behavior of our modern day sports heroes. This shock is akin to Captain Renault’s shock that there was gambling going on at Rick’s. This should not come as a shock since all men, from pro athletes to road side construction crews, share the same decision making process. When a man is presented with a choice (any choice), he goes though the Male Decision Making Model. The model can be applied to any situation a man could face. It consists of asking himself the following set of questions:

1. Is this the best thing for me and my family?
2. Would this increase the percentage likelihood of me getting laid?
3. Is that percentage increase higher than .00001%?
4. I forgot. What was that first question?

It’s really that simple. Take the alleged incident involving a certain NFL QB. Most of the people I speak with say “Why the hell would he take photos of his “person” and send it over the phone? Did he really think this would impress her?”

The answer is “Yes, he did.” Seriously, using the .00001% threshold, you could see there being that percentage chance of a woman opening a text message with such a photo and thinking “Oh my! That’s the most romantic thing I’ve seen since ‘The Notebook.’” Remember, there are women out there willing marry serial killers…even after they have been convicted.

I completely understand how this scenario could have played out. Our QB hero sees an attractive woman. Later that night, he has a cell phone in his hand. While playing Tetrus on the phone, he accidentally discovers it can take photos and those photos can be texted. A light bulb goes off. As he changes that light bulb, an idea pops in his head. “What if I took snapshots of my “Joe Willie” and sent it to her. That’ll get her to come over.” Now, he’s not really sure if this is a good idea so he goes through the questions of the Male Decision Making Model:

1. Is this the best thing for me and my family?
“Umm, maybe, just maybe, my wife of 20+ years would not understand.”

2. Would this increase the percentage likelihood of me getting laid?
“Not sure. Have to do the calculations.”
In order to figure out the percentage increase, he takes out a sheet of paper and pencil to do the complex algebraic equation that only men know to do since it was taught to them when the guys were seperated from the girls in the special week of helath education.

3. Is that percentage increase higher than .00001%?
“Hey, it is higher than .00001%
(Secret tip: The equation always comes out higher than .00001%)

4. I forgot. What was that first question?
“I forgot. What was that first question?”

Suddenly, he puts on his Crocs, drops his draws and says cheese.

I hope this explanation helps clear up to you why a 40 year old man who has a beautiful wife and children, is adored my millions of fans, and makes millions more in product endorsements would risk it by taking photographic images of his private parts and send it to an unsuspecting woman. Allegedly.

Last week, I repeated my performance of the week earlier and went 8-6 on my picks. If I keep up this pace, I will eke out just enough profit this season to pay down my gambling debt from the baseball season.

As usual, I am picking the losing side, so the losers are in bold.

Chargers at Rams +8.5
Chiefs at Texans -4
Ravens +2.5 at Patriots
Saints -4.5 at Bucs
Falcons at Eagles -2.5
Lions +10 at Giants
Seahawks and Bears -6
Dolphins +3 at Packers
Browns at Steelers -14
Jets at Broncos +3.5
Raiders +7 at 49ers
Cowboys +1.5 at Vikings
Colts -3 at Redskins
Titans -3 at Jaguars

Last Week 8-6
Year 42-32-2

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