Friday, September 5, 2008

Week 1- Mo' Money, Mo' Money

Flush with success with my correct pick for the first game of the year, I am so overwhelmed with a sense of confidence that I have officially given notice to my day job and will live solely on my prognostication skills.

I will eat, sleep, drink and lather myself head to toe with all things football. After crunching the numbers, I figure to have accumulated enough money by the end of the Super Bowl that I will never have to work a real job again. However, it will not be enough money for my wife not to work again. She unfortunately will have to keep her 10 hour a day job. I feel really bad for her.

Now if you want in on this money making venture, all you have to do is:

$- Stopping paying all your bills. You will need the extra cash for your gambling bankroll

$- Get the Playboy Football coverage issue. Really, just read it for the insight.

$- Move to the state of Nevada or out of the United States (I know. Isn’t that the same thing?) Sports wagering in only legal in Nevada. Thanks President McCain.

$- Follow the picks I give you every week. My motto is “if you hate money, don’t listen to me.”

Week 1 Picks (picks in bold)

Bengals -1.5 at Ravens – The Ravens offense will be the only one the Bengals will stop all year.

Jets at Dolphins +3 – Pennington says revenge will play no part in this game. Pennington is a liar.

Chiefs +16 at Patriots – The Chiefs won’t be able to slow down the Pats, but Tropical Storm Hanna can.

Texans at Steelers -6.5- Ben is excited that he has receivers that are tall and have big hands, which makes him similar to 90% of women.

Jaguars at Titans +3 - The Titans offense- your cure for insomnia.

Lions -3 at Falcons - Congratulations Atlanta! You have made the Lions a road favorite for the first time since the Carter Administration.

Seahawks PK at Bills- After hours of analysis, I picked the Seahawks because the coin came up heads.

Buccaneers at Saints -3.5 – After surviving Hurricane Gustav, you think the Saints are worried about Tropical Depression Garcia?

Rams +7 at Eagles- Everybody loves the Eagles. Nobody thinks much of the Rams. "Nobody" usually knows more than "everybody."

Cowboys -5 at Browns- Jessica Simpson covers songs better than the Browns cover receivers.

Panthers +9.5 at Chargers- I’d feel a little better about the Chargers if their QB, TE and best LB were not playing on one leg.

Cardinals at 49ers +2.5- Oh the Cardinals. Every year they are everyone’s sleeper pick to improve. And every year…oh you know the rest of the story.

Bears +9.5 at Colts- Pssst. Colts. I have a little tip. DO NOT KICK IT TO HESTER!!!!! I swear if they kick it to him, I am going to demand Dungy visit a court appointed shrink.

Vikings at Packers -2.5- I just feel for the kid and want him to do well. But if Rodgers costs me money here, he’s dead to me.

Broncos -3 at Raiders – Shanahan just won’t let go of that grudge against Al Davis. Kind of like Rosie can’t let go of the girls on the View…or fried chicken.

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Chiefs/Patriots – under 45
Bears/Colts- under 44.5
Bengals -1.5 over Ravens
Broncos -3 over Vikings

No comments: