Wednesday, September 3, 2008

McCain v. Football


The possible future leader of the free world will be making the most important speech of his career tomorrow. This moment could usher the election of a man who will lead 300 million Americans, and arguably the 6 billion people of the world.

Not that anyone will be watching, because a much, much more important moment will be ushered in tomorrow night…the official booing of Eli Manning will commence.

Despite the Republicans trying to define what Americans are, “real” Americans will be riveted to the opening of the NFL season at Giants Stadium tomorrow night, allowing us to focus for the next several months on something more important than those pesky calls from the bank asking for something called “my mortgage payment.”

As for the booing of Eli Manning, I officially put the over/under on that moment to be after he calls the coin toss incorrectly. Look Eli, although you heroically led the Giants to the most improbable Super Win in history, don’t think Vinnie from Brooklyn “is gonna let yous pansy ass off the hook.” This is New York. And New York only accepts winners! (exceptions include: Yankees, Mets, Rangers, Knicks, Islanders, and Jets.)

In addition to the obligatory TV shots of Archie Manning’s agape mouth as his son throws 4 picks, here are some other fun moments to watch for tomorrow night as we collectively ignore John McCain and his painfully forced grinning.

John Madden will talk more about New York’s other quarterback more than the one playing at the time. Thanks God Favre is back. Seeing Madden without Favre would be like seeing Hall without Oates, Lenny without Squiggy, or Ennis without Jack.

Daniel Snyder will have that deer caught in the headlights look as he realizes he just hired a head coach without any head coaching or even coordinator experience. He’ll quickly get on the phone to the head football coach of Wasilla High School.

No less than 6 airings of “The Catch” from the Super Bowl, coupled with highlights of David Tyree getting blocked on kick coverage.

An uncomfortable moment in the pre game show when Tiki Barber quickly clarifies a previous statement, “I said ‘Luck, Eli’ I swear that is what I said.”

Al Michaels will make at least two scripted jokes about Jason Taylor and dancing. Both will completely go over the head of Madden…and the rest of the football watching audience. Just like most of what he says.

Kevin Boss will make people say “Jeremy who?”
Ahmad Bradshaw will run like a man happy not to be in jail.
Tom Coughlin will only throw his hands up once.
The Giants will win and cover the 4 point spread.

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