Friday, September 19, 2008

Week 3- This One is for Uncle Sam

Just go off the phone with Treasury Secretary Paulson. I convinced him to convert these risky investments the federal government just bought into and convert them all to a safe, secure long term investment.

You guessed it. He agreed to put the entire future of the US banking industry on my picks this week. So if you go against these picks, you are a pinko communist!

Actually, if you are for these picks you are also a pinko communist since you are supporting the government’s intrusive involvement in the “free market economy.”

It’s a weird day when Russia is less socialist than we are.

So you can follow how your tax dollars are being invested, here are my picks for week 3. My picks are in bold.

Chiefs at Falcons -5
How bad is Damon Huard for him to be benched in favor of a guy with a skeleton fetish.

Raiders at Bills -9
Hey Canada, you are going to get a hell of a team for your first NFL franchise.

Buccaneers at Bears -3
Kyle Orton is the greatest mediocre QB since Doug Flutie.

Panthers +3.5 at Vikings
When you are counting on Gus “I broke my own neck” Ferrote to make smart decisions with the ball, you might be picking early in the next draft.

Dolphins +12.5 at Patriots
Damn you Matt Cassel! Stop playing well so we can see the return of Vinny Testeverde.

Bengals +13 at Giants
Here's a good idea, free of charge, for the Giants. I think they should get on a plane, circle around the state and land in New York to make their home games feel like road games.

Texans at Titans -5
You can forgive the Texans if football has not been exactly on the top of their minds lately

Cardinals at Redskins -3
Hint to the defensive backs, if you see Anquan Boldin or Santana Moss running down the field, trip them!

Lions +4 at 49ers
This is the game casinos will only run inside the Keno parlor.

Rams +9.5 at Seahawks
I wish to apologize to all Seattle fans for picking the Seahawks to go to the Super Bowl. You’d think I did enough damage to your city when I picked the Mariners to go to the World Series.

Saints at Broncos -5
Ed Hochuli just got elected to the Colorado Supreme Court.

Steelers at Eagles -3.5
Big Ben played week 1 with a dislocated shoulder. Or maybe it was just sprained. Or maybe there was nothing wrong at all. Good thing Dr. Foreman from “House” is on the case.

Jaguars +5.5 at Colts
With the depleted offensive lines and immobile QBs for each team, Mrs. Gerard and Mrs. Manning might want to avert their eyes.

Browns +2 at Ravens
Romeo Crennel has already decided he is kicking a field goal as soon as the Browns get in range, even if it’s first down.

Cowboys at Packers +3
If Rodgers wins this game, the Packers can go ahead and officially retire Favre’s jersey.

Jets +9 at Chargers
If the Chargers lose this game, they can officially retire Ed Hochuli.

Last week 7-7-1
Season 17-13-1

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Buccaneers/Bears over 35.5
Redskins -3 over Cardinals
Bears -3 over Buccaneers
Rams +9.5 over Seahawks
Lions +4 over 49ers

Last Week 2-0-1

Season 5-1-1

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